Dropping one in a lake

I was on holiday last year in the US, and was swimming in one of the Great Lakes when I urgently needed to drop one. I had three options:

1 - get out of the water and run the half mile or so to the toilet block

2 - make like a cat and dig a hole in the sand dunes (the beach was pretty quiet!)

3 - drop my shorts in the water and let rip there and then

I chose option 3. Interestingly, because of the buoyancy afforded by the water, the turd (which was impressively long!) didn't snap under its own weight as it would do under normal circumstances. Instead it emerged intact and tumbled slowly and gracefully to the lake floor in a manner akin to an astronaut in orbit.

I had to make sure I didn't catch it in my shorts though!

I thought I was dying...

I'm not a person that eats a lot of spicy food. But, one day I went to this Surinamese resaurant and had some chicken with potato's and strange vegetables. The food was very spicy and the chicken wasn't cooked long enough. That night I woke up around 2 AM and had to shite like hell. So I took a dump and went back to bed, but less than five minutes later I just had to go again and again and again and again etc. etc. (While my bowels were hurting more and more by every time a teeny bit of poo got out.) After one hour on the toilet I rushed to get a book for a little distraction. The pain just got more and more intense and after another hour of agony I just couldn't read my book anymore and started hurting myself in other places to stop feeling the pain in my bowels.

Finally around 5:30 AM the piece of crap made out of spices and raw chicken got out and the pain was finally gone.

I have seen all 30 feet of bowel content go by in about 3 1/2 hours. I've broken my arm once, but this was much much worse.

You guess where I'll never eat again...

A bit of culture

Does anyone here remeber Inter-Rail cards? In 1981 or so, they cost about £120 and gave you free unlimited rail travel throughout Europe. I loved them and being a loner, used to travel about staying in youth hostels and having fun.

One time I'd been travelling in Germany, Heidelburg etc, living cheaply and eating mainly bread and tinned tuna. German bread is wonderful stuff. A loaf weighs about 10lbs is very dark brown, keeps for ages and tastes good too. The only problem being that as it is 98% roughage, it moves very slowly through the system. In fact I went about 4 days without a crap.

Next stop was Venice (ah, Venice), where I stayed at the youth hostel and eat their wonderful cheap food. Loads of pasta cooked with loads of olive oil - you can guess what's coming.

In the morning, we were kicked out after breakfast and I headed for the Peggy Guggenheim museum - home to many fine works of modern art. I got there to find that it didn't open until 11am, so sat down and rolled a cig. As soon as I took a drag, I felt the clash of the cultures: Italian oil had met German bread and told it to move along. I looked at my watch, 10am one hour to go...

...at 11 O'clock, I was first through the door and headed straight for the bog. It was the most wonderful shit of my life. 10 pounds of German rye bread came out like the QE2 being launched. I practically floated off the bog with the lifting of the weight. Savouring the moment I rolled myself a fresh ciggie for when I got out. At that point I heard a voice from outside say in an American accent: "I don't know, I saw a young man go in a while ago"

Feeling euphoric, I took my time, had a wash, stuck my roly behind my ear and emerged smiling broadly to an audience of geriactic yanks.